Payten in a Hawaiian shirt
Dolphins win, Cowboys win, Broncos lose, Titans lose, Sunday footy and beautiful SEQ weather
ThE dOlPhInS dOn’T tRaVeL wElL
The Dolphins have a 100% win rate in Sydney in 2024. The Phins won road trips to Townsville (2h05 flight from Brisbane) and Darwin (4h20 because Darwin is further away than you think; its halfway to Singapore). While they lost in Auckland (3h10), it was only by four points, and even last year lost in Perth (5h40) by two. Then again, they have lost games, some by large margins, in far flung destinations like Redcliffe, Woolloongabba, Milton, Bundaberg and Bokarina across both 2023 and 2024, so who can say?
The Dolphins very nearly blew up their road trip in Titans-esque fashion - or is it Broncos-esque if its only a 22 point comeback, becoming Titans-esque if the stakes are raised to 26? - but for the greater chokejob of Nicholas Hynes. This is a shame for Hynes, a player I’ve admired since his 2019 stint with the Falcons, but he plays for all the wrong teams, so I will enjoy his shortcomings.
The result stands in contrast to the much remarked upon passivity of the Broncos in the same fixture the week before. Quite how Ginane and Parker came to that conclusion after three whole seconds of play is unknown but given the route to the final result, such insight is to be commended.
My palpable relief at the way-across-town Phins beating up on the Sharks is an extremely grim portent for the Broncs but speaks well of the vibe at Kippa-Ring. With the Storm, Panthers and a revitalised Rabbitohs coming up, a significant vibe check is imminent.
Brisbane continued their speed run of the second half of the 2022 season against South Sydney. Not withstanding the ins for the Rabbitohs and the outs for the Broncos, this was meant to be a heavyweight clash pre-season and should've been one now, but one side forgot to bring their gloves and make it any kind of contest.
It's not that the Walters era is defined by collapses, so much as he is very capable of getting his team to ride the wave but once they've washed out, he seems completely at sea as to how to get them paddling back out again. Also, sometimes his teams don't seem to know how to surf or what that big blue wet thing is. Irrespective of conditions, good teams find a way to swim and bad ones sink. The vibes guy has its very obvious limits.
While many are declaring the Cowboys unserious, it could be that North Queensland are the vibiest of all. Imagine Payten in a Hawaiian shirt and they're on an all dessert, no vegetables diet. You can keep your defensive effort, we’re going to turn up and put on a score and if we don't, oh well, there's always next week. Some fans would probably like more consistency, a better attitude, a few more dubs than ells but that's not the Payten vibe and damned if he's going to do anything to get that squad above .500 if that squad isn't going to do it themselves.
With the competition ladder and the NRL North standings so tight, it becomes an interesting question as to which of the Q4 has the best vibe prospects. Is it the high functioning but stoned on the couch Broncos, is it the smart, patient but old Dolphins or is it the catastrophically flamboyant North Queenslanders?
It is patently not the Titans, whose 5-weeks-at-the-end-of-2020 run in 2024 has reached an entirely predictable and massively frustrating terminus, re-embroiling themselves in the spoon battle, much to the disappointment of their half dozen fans still paying attention. As the Eels and Rabbitohs have their main guys back and will inevitably kick clear of the bottom of the ladder, it will be a tense run in to the finish to see who of the Tigers and Titans can play the least worst and reduce their points difference.
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The Game: Sunday round-up
The first decent slate of Sunday footy for a while allowed us an opportunity to get our heads back into the Queensland Cup just in time for the second half of the season and the necessary sorting of contenders from pretenders. I was at Bishop Park for the Devils-Tweed game, caught the end of Wynnum-Capras and watched back both the Magpies-Blackhawks feature and Clysdesdales-Pride games. Here’s some mid-season thoughts:
Qplus has rewind on live games again. Hallelujah, praise be to the QRL media team.
Northern Pride and Norths Devils both look very slick. ‘The top two teams on the ladder are the best’ isn’t the hottest take, especially considering their respective opponents, but perennial contenders Burleigh and Wynnum lost and drew respectively and have looked more fragile in recent outings (the latter lost to the former two weeks ago) than years gone by. The only other wild cards for contention are the Dolphins and Falcons.
Souths Logan look pretty bad. There’s a disruption and a cattle argument to explain the results and while they’re not Ipswich/Western bad, they are in the next worst group of five win teams with by far the worst points difference. Albert Kelly is clearly not doing a lot of cardio at the moment. Blake Mozer seems frustrated that he’s unable to get anything going but the Magpies thrived while he was spelled. Kobe Tararo only has himself to blame.
With the dysfunction at Davies Park, I’m ready to get on board the Devils premiership train for 2024. The Devils look cracking with a seemingly slimmed down Jack Ahearn back in control, this time at #7 but also covering in fullback sometimes and getting into dummy half on fifth tackle plays. What’s better than first receiver if not zeroth receiver? I think Jordan Lipp blew at least two long range tries with handling errors near the try line. The kid is fast and I see why he has a gig but of three games I can think of, he’s been the main character in two for his lack of ball security. Gerome Burns limped off after getting horse collared. I thought Jeremiah Simbiken had some good runs.
Tweed Heads also look pretty bad. If there’s a philosophy of North East Coast Offence, there’s definitely a Gold Coast School of Defence, pioneered by a decade-plus of crap Titans teams and the Seagulls executed to a tee by conceding 10 points before I’d even sat down and playing most of the game with a disjointed and uncommitted line.
We barely got a look at what the Clydesdales are capable of because they never seemed to hold on to the ball for very long. There was a long range intercept try in garbage time and the heritage jerseys looked pretty good on TV.
The jury’s out on the Blackhawks. My gut is they’ll land on the fringe of finals but outside the top eight but it’ll be a plucky performance to build on for 2025. Naturally, the problem will be the lack of young talent reliably coming through, presumably to be siphoned off by the Cowboys before they fail to retain the most talented exponents and fertilise other NRL rosters, to replace the aging veteran core.
I didn’t see enough of the Capras to really form an opinion and as the most regional of the regional teams do, tend to fall into a bit of a blindspot for me. Overhauling a 20-0 lead to finish level is a good effort and while there are a lot of pretty average teams, the Caps should be able to harness this to finish seventh or eighth.
Should he return to QCup from the Dolphins, Pangai will see out the season with Souths Logan.
QCup-adjacent and Sol Faataape looks a bit lost in first grade, which is a shame. While slotting into the Broncos back line would be a significantly easier task than doing the same at Wests, he looks a step too slow, a size too small and a bit out of position to really thrive, in constrast to his dominance at the position at Easts.
Token Pride content
A bespoke take from the winner of the 1988 Vuelta a Espana and current indecipherable Eurosport commentator:
One assumes this is not homophobia angled at the Broncos’ boy band aesthetic but rather an oblique reference to Plato’s Symposium:
For what lover would not choose rather to be seen by all mankind than by his beloved, either when abandoning his post or throwing away his arms? He would be ready to die a thousand deaths rather than endure this. Or who would desert his beloved or fail him in the hour of danger?
There's a logic there. Couldn't hurt to try. Could this be what Kev needs to get the season back on track? Perhaps the lover of himbo Jordan Riki was dishonored by Cam Murray? Did anyone think about that as the most likely cause for him doing something very stupid?
Do not google how the Sacred Band of Thebes were eventually defeated or if I've previously compared the Panthers to the Argead dynasty of Macedonia because that would only be a depressing parallel to draw. Instead, get a Mary Renault book out from the library.
My grand unified theory of bad commentary
At the request of a reader - let’s call him Matty McP, no wait, that’s too obvious - I am going to talk about how bad rugby league commentary is. Instead of just observing that Dan Ginane’s nasal faux surprise at any particular turn of events on the field is deeply irritating, I am going to do my best to give you a view of the underlying reasons why I think rugby league commentary sucks and there’s nothing you can do about it.
In the sense that there are very few people who can do it effectively, sports commentary is a very difficult job. Talking for two hours is not something that comes naturally and play-by-play commentary requires a high energy pathology of being able to watch, analyse and verbalise in quick succession, in a way that is captivating but not distracting, with the added pressure of a large and vocal live viewing audience.
Even with that degree of humanisation, most NRL commentary is pretty bad. If the best we have is the banal inanity and inane banality of Dan Ginane and the Sky News After Dark-adjacent talking points of Andrew Voss, then that is not a high bar of quality for mine. This is perhaps unfair to peripheral talking guy Mat Thompson, when he’s clearly not shitting himself on Origin, and Peter Psaltis, who I have a lot of time for from his time in Cup, but this isn’t really about the individuals.
Part of the view that commentary is bad is the contempt bred by familiarity, especially as commentators seem to be taking on more games each weekend than was the case in the past. English commentators may or may not be better at their jobs but I don’t watch much Super League and so novelty reigns when watching northern hemisphere football.
Part of it is that the commentators are either watching exactly what you’re watching on a screen and reacting slower and with less appreciation - what is the point in you talking if I already know? - or barely watching the game at all. The quality that results from Fox’s decision to never send anyone anywhere and have them call off an 18-inch CRT in a basement in Sydney somewhere to save money speaks for itself. Even at Nine, unless he’s particularly engaged in a high stakes match (i.e. Panthers or Origin), Phil Gould sits on his phone during most of the coverage and only can be bothered to chime in on replays with obvious observations.
Part of it comes from the exhaustion of Fox and Nine deliberately pressing your buttons to provoke an emotional reaction (usually anger or disgust) sufficient for you to engage with the next phases of the media funnel, all of which is somehow lower quality than the live coverage. Voss is the master, pouncing onto any refereeing decision to set up an agenda item for potential NRL360 controversy with the speed and efficacy of a cheetah hunting a stray wildebeest calf, as if anyone cares what Braith Anasta or whoever has replaced Paul Kent has to say about anything.
Mostly, it’s that the bulk of people just accept what they are given in large domains of their lives. If you need an explanation as to why many things seem broken, it’s because the default response for a large swathe of the population is an indifferent shrug. That might be because they’ve got other things going on in their lives and they don’t consider rugby league commentary to be the tip of a cultural ice sheet breaking off from Antarctica or they just don’t care and are happy to accept most things at face value as The Way It Is. Those people are blind to the rent fabric of the world but are probably, by and large, happy as a result. I try not to think about the implications too much.
In any field of consumerism, a mass appeal product is by design bland and inoffensive. The point is not to turn people on but rather to not turn people off, so there's no incentive to improve coverage in case it turns people off. While most people take what they're given, some (most?) people will have hair triggers on very specific topics on which they will devote thousands of words and dozens of hours to deriding the governance of sporting bodies.
A smaller subset are so wedded to their perpsective on their specific hot button that any potential for change is seen as intensely threatening. An anti-intellectual sentiment seems popular with the kind of Facebook boomer still stuck on Facebook, and that's why the Cooper Cronks of the world get told to dumb it down and why no colour commentator ever does a good job of explaining rugby league.
Even if you understand your grievances and can articulate them, the only meaningful way you could register your displeasure at the state of rugby league commentary is to not watch. Fox et al know that your attachment to your team is sufficient that you’ll give them $25 per month to watch ($35 if you want to watch some of the time in 4K) and that sunk cost overrides any sense of activism you might have.
In this and many other facets of life, it is actually very difficult to give nuanced feedback that might be actioned, even to the granularity of “I very much enjoy rugby league but dislike the one, sometimes two very similar, ways that are offered for its presentation and would like to discuss areas for improvement. First of all, please stop treating me like I have a railway spike through my brain. Secondly, bring back Duncan Thompson from the dead as I would be interested in hearing his thoughts on Nicho Hynes.” This ends up being a wellspring of great frustration for the plebeian class, the consequences of which might range from online snidery to the French Revolution.
In theory, the mechanics of the free market and the boundlessness of the internet should offer a multitude of options to keep everyone happy. We don’t get that. We don’t even get a button on Kayo that lets you resume from where you left off. This is due to a mix of a lack of imagination, cost effectiveness, intellectual property laws, technological limitations and laziness. Even if the broadcasters were freed from these constraints, take a look at the current range of mid-sized family cars at the same price point and note the commodification and lack of differentiation, or more succinctly:
We can then overlay on that milieu the usual petty politics of both the entertainment industry and ordinary human economic interaction. That is, one person makes the decisions, he has his preferreds and he has favours to bestow on allies of allies for arcane reasons we will never be privy to nor would we bother wasting brain capacity on trying to understand. The only real hope comes from professional pride and an individual choosing to do a good job. The enthusiasm of novices on the broadcast is palpable. Those instincts haven’t yet been tempered by those who run the show because they “know” what the audience wants and also think that the audience is a cacophony of lower primates.
As seems to be the case for a lot of cultural artefacts of the 20s, what seems like an inconsequential feature of day-to-day life is only explicable when you consider it is governed by a mix of unaccountable jackasses, historical forces too great to comprehend in the moment and the humdrum of humanity.
Given the inertia of all that, we might just need to learn to live with it.
Perth in pole position
Just as I wrote the second most popular post on this site laying out how little $600 million actually promised and how much work there was to do, it seems like someone finally asked literally anyone other than James Marape and Anthony Albanese what the NRL should do:
Western Australia is now the frontrunner to oust Papua New Guinea and be the NRL’s 18th team by 2027.
Lol. You can definitely take that to the bank, unlike all the previous times Mssrs Badel, Carryannis and Read said that PNG was the frontrunner or when Ben Fordham said that PNG was a “done deal”. Wasn’t this the famously rusted-on AFL state and that’s why the Perth 9s had to die and we got the Pre-Season Challenge™ instead?
The Perth bid would prefer a standalone licence because Peter Cumins gets it:
“There has been a lot of talk about a marriage with the North Sydney Bears and the Jets has popped up as another option for us.
“We think we can do it on our own.”
…
“We’re led to believe at the moment it won’t be a condition (to secure an NRL licence), but that’s not set in stone,” he said.
“If it was a condition, well we are desperate to have a team in Perth and we would make the Perth Bears a success.
“If it’s not a condition, we would have to consider what the Bears or the Jets would bring to an NRL franchise in Perth.
“It’s got to be more than just a logo and a name that has no relevance in Perth.
“I will meet with both clubs at the end of June and hopefully they put a compelling case forward to satisfy everybody.”
Gettim Pete. Hopefully, Perth can get across the line by themselves without having to shoehorn in a derelict relic (or at least if they do that, revive the Perth Reds) but I’m not confident anyone with decision making power really knows what they’re doing or why they’re doing it. As per usual.
That might be important because I reckon this idea will go down about as well as a two-state solution would with Israel:
North Sydney chairman Daniel Dickson believes the Perth Bears can be a smash hit as the NRL’s 18th or 19th club.
“This is by no means a takeover plan from us,” he said.
“This can be a two-city team.”
No, it can’t. The NRL is just inviting trouble by letting these people get involved.
Over at Coorparoo, the Tigers woke up and reminded everyone they were still technically here:
“If you look at what the Dolphins have done for the NRL, there is definitely room for a fifth Queensland team,” Edwards said.
“I see us as the best option.
“Obviously I am biased, but the Brisbane Tigers have a great football pedigree, we are 90 years old with a successful system in place.
I’d be happy with an Easts Tigers franchise in the NRL. More Queensland teams are better culturally and politically for the NRL to dilute the power of the paunchy and clumsy Sydney clubs. There’s space in SEQ for a western-ish team to complement and compete with the northern-ish Dolphins, the southern-ish Titans and the Broncos in the middle. The Brisbane-Western Corridor-Flagstone Firetigerhawks Jetbombers would not be set up to fail given the practical impossibility of a NRL club losing money now but the case to the wider public is hardly compelling. “The Dolphins didn’t ruin the Broncos and we won’t either” is not inspiring and no one needs to buy the AFL invasion narrative: rugby league is supposed to be in rude health. In the absence of a financial dick swinging contest that defined the last round of expansion news, a more Narelle Walters tack might garner more traction.
There was some further commentary from one of the South Island bids but they told on themselves with a fan ownership model. They may as well have declared they have no money. The Kea will need some capital to get going this side of 2032, although why the Olympics is a milestone for rugby league, which is not and never will be an Olympic sport, is up for debate.
My later view of the last round was the ARLC was fixed on Brisbane 2 and probably to the point of ensuring that team was the Dolphins, and the rest was a dog and pony show to get media attention and pretend like the fix wasn’t in. I had expected something similar this time around but it seems like the Controlling Body are going to have actually make a decision based on an approximation of merit, in which there is no bid without obvious and significant flaws. Good luck to them. Can’t wait to see the masterplan.
Intermission
As usual, there were plenty of sick tries scored over the weekend but the real highlight was the glorious south-east Queensland winter weather.
Here’s two of Brisbane’s historic rugby league grounds looking immaculate under a big blue sky.
Upcoming Slate
The junior Origins take over Thursday night and should take centre stage on the week, even if it is overwhelmingly likely that New South Wales use Thursday night to regain the lead in the Interstate Championship, as the Maroons have struggled for competitiveness in the juniors, winning only the women’s last year since covid.
In the QCup, we have a bit of a weird rivalry round with the Tigers, Jets and Hunters all sitting out but it does mean I get to say Friends of Coal Bowl for Cutters-Capras, which is fun, and maybe debut Trouble in Paradise for Blackhawks-Pride.
NRLM - Dolphins vs Storm at Suncorp, Friday 8pm
This is first versus, inexplicably, fourth. What a battle although the Origin effect probably hinders the Phins more than the Storm.
will undoubtedly have a worthwhile preview later in the week, if you aren’t already subscribed, which you should have been. Tip: StormNRLM - Titans vs Warriors at C-Bus Super, Saturday 3pm
Why bring in a second NZ team when the Warriors already have a derby game, supported by the SEQ Kiwi expat population? Then again, why have a Gold Coast team at all? Tip: Warriors
QRLM - Dolphins vs Seagulls at Kayo, Saturday 5pm
In the more conventionally named Battle of the Bayside, a loss here won’t kill Wynnum’s season for the obvious reason that they are still third on the ladder but they are firmly in a challenging part of the draw, having recently lost to the Bears and drawing with the Capras, and it would take their prospects down a notch. The Dolphins have been relatively quiet since the NRL team came to town, with last year ending in week one of the finals and Redcliffe are well on track for a similarly unthreatening result this year, so I haven’t given them a lot of thought. There’s potential for a Valynce Te Whare sighting, and a Bryce Donovan versus Sean O’Sullivan halves battle. Tip: Dolphins
(Tips 20 / 41)
Watch Guide
Notes
We’ll probably talk more about the men's Origin line ups next week because there was already enough footy chat and other garbage this week. It’s going to be astonishing when Slater makes all the wrong choices and still manages to win the series at a trot (in Brisbane). He can’t limbo low enough to even lull NSW into a false sense of security. Good luck to Connor Watson, who is definitely going to return to the squad after this year, no doubt embarking on a long and prosperous career in the Blue jersey.
Marshall-King extends with the Phins to 2028 and some union guy signed for the Titans? Ha, Carter Gordon’s decision to ditch rugby for NRL wooden spoon contenders is beyond alarming for Rugby Australia. Imagine going from a couple of Wallabies caps to having to learn a new trade with the Ipswich Jets.
Hull FC withdraw Treigh Stewart contract following domestic violence allegations. I hadn’t got a good look at Stewart in Easts colours but I had a tab on him and now I guess I don’t have to bother because he’s not going any further any time soon. Wonder what the QRL’s stand down policy is? The Tigers are on bye this week.
Sean O’Sullivan’s dad is off to the Knights. Some seriously revisionist history being written about the Dolphins’ inaugural roster, presumably by O’Sullivan’s management. That the direness of that roster was turned around into a qualified success is mostly Bennett with a dash of veteran guile and does not excuse Kippa-Ring from whiffing on every marquee signing prior.
David Shillington: “One time we were there with the Prime Minister’s XIII and we went out to the Kokoda memorial in the morning… but then driving home on the team bus, we actually pulled over because there was a tribal war going on at the time. They used hammers, different bows and arrows and spears that type of fighting and combat and two tribes were going at each other because there was a death the night before. We pulled over in the bus and someone in that war spotted that it was the Kangaroos bus and they actually all stopped and starting cheering out to the Kangaroos.” Some of the details of this seem unlikely but Australians returning from PNG often have anecdotes of native violence (perhaps with a colonialist lilt). Its hard for me to personally judge the veracity of that trope, not having been there and having no desire to go, but it may well be true, as the stats indicate PNG is a much more violent place than Australia, a situation worsening with the proliferation of guns. Still, it also feels like we’re on the verge of breaking new grounds in Papua New Guinean stereotypes if/when a NRL team is added. Nonetheless, his point about having to double salaries to attract players is well taken.
Case in point, Del Hoeter and Adam Reynolds did not mention any cannibalism on their trip to PNG.
Please note that taking the long drop out is not backing your defence. Going short is backing your defence for the obvious reason that you risk handing the ball over in bad field position. Making the opposition spend three tackles to work back another 30 metres to get to the same point is a benefit to the defence at the expense of giving up any chance of possession. People who notched up several hundred games of first grade should understand this. Then again, see above.
I can’t quite parse the minutiae of local Gold Coast politics on this one, but: The Titans could find a new future home with the Gold Coast City Council to go to tender for a high performance training facility.
Brains: Study Casts Doubt on Standard Test for Athletes' Concussion
International: Samoa to make historic end-of-year tour of England. Format still sucks but we’ll see if the Pacific Cup has any more juice with New Zealand as reigning champions.
Not relevant to anything specific but nonetheless interesting to contemplate: Rise of the far right a permanent cloud on Germany’s Euro 2024 horizon
Nickelware
It hadn’t occurred to me to selling the naming rights to any of the Nickelware but if a Queensland brewery wants to send me a 24 can slab of IPA to rename the “NRL North” to the “Balter XPA NRL North Divisional Race powered by Asahi” (or equivalent) as a competitor to the XXXX Derby, that’d be most welcome (although we might have to omit the NRL to avoid the lawyers getting involved).
Just email me and I’ll send you my address. I am a bit weary of hazy/NE/X and other endless variations on the US IPA, so if you could do a stodgy old fashioned British IPA, that’d be most appreciated.