Why did I pretend to be a Titans fan?
Broncos win, Dolphins lose, Cowboys lose, Titans lose, Tigers and Seagulls draw, Tamika Upton
Conflict on Caxton
If you doubted the Broncos would win the River City Rivalry at any point during last Friday’s game, look in the mirror and you'll see someone who doesn't know ball. The Brisbane Broncos should be able to beat the Central Queensland Capras, irrespective of how often Corey Oates drops entirely catchable balls.
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The Game: Tigers vs Tweed (QRLW)
Before the season started, I would have picked this as he spoon bowl. Instead, both teams have been pleasantly surprising both in terms of performance and to watch in this low-scoring affair in Brisbane’s inner east. It was a weekend that a lot of NRLW contracted players disappeared from view, not just at Tweed, so we’re getting a solid look at the underlying strengths of the clubs.
Observations
In recent years, the Tweed men’s side has played with a lot of side-to-side movement with the ball-in-hand - a style we might say is horizontal. Without their NRLW stars (although Jessika Elliston turned up at lock), we got a good view of the natural state of this women’s Seagulls side, which is much more vertical. The Gulls were happy to put up a fight in the middle and then have the spine take their chances in support of each other. Is Lawrence Faifua a NECO advocate?
Ash Quinlan, Lily Kolc and Lily Patston had good games. Quinlan has been partnering Temara at the Raiders and Aiken at Tweed, looked the part as the primary half in this game, with Jetaya Faifua moving out of fullback to five-eighth to make way for (the currently unsigned) Patston. Kolc showed plenty of enthusiasm around the ruck, which is great for the Titans who don’t really need any more talent in their women’s program.
The Tigers played more conventionally and looked a lot less likely to bust the game open with their backs than their forwards. It was easy to spot Mato, who seemingly has six inches on everyone else, and Butler, kicking in the door as she did against the Seagulls in the blue headgear. After sparking last week’s comeback, it seems fullback Tahlia Marshall has got a few tools. She may need a little more time but has promise.
I could have come across as a little snarky about the Tigers’ coaches referring to themselves as a ‘development’ team in the pre-season. That’s what they have been and are, but I’ve been surprised at how competitive Easts have been. Only the first round loss against the Falcons looks poor in retrospect and otherwise the resume is a six point loss to Norths, a two point win over Wynnum and two draws. It’s a long way from copping a 70-0 beating in the first game of 2021, scoring all of 10 points in 2022 and three slightly less embarrassing thrashings to round out the last month of 2023. The 2024 campaign is a real credit to the women’s program at Coorparoo and the hard work put in.
This is the Tigers’ second draw in consecutive games, after finishing 20-20 against the Clydesdales last time out. I don’t know why I thought someone would kick a field goal but someone should have at least tried. I am so confident that this is a first for the BMD Premiership, I’m not even going to check.
Tweed #8 Perrine Monsarrat is from Castres, France. 7 runs for 61 metres and 24 tackles with none missed in her fourth game of the season. Bienvenue.
Bonus observations: I had my eye on Capras vs Devils as well. Norths absolutely rolled through Central’s middle and it only got worse when the benches were deployed. The Capras are very thin and Tamika Upton seems to be shouldering more and more of the burden of getting this team moving forward each week. That’s neither feasible nor sustainable, even for one as talented as her.
BMD check-in
After five rounds, the Cutters of Mackay sit atop the league, 5-0, and almost certainly guaranteed a finals place and in pole position to return the BMD Premiership to North Queensland. Then there’s two groups of four, with the Clydesdales in between. Whether Western can force their way into the top group will depend on whether their NRLW stars come back or if its going to be left to the locals. I’d give them a chance if the former, and no chance if the latter because while Ciesiolka is great but if she’s five-eighth, there are depth issues.
Up front, we have the expected presence of last year’s grand finalists in the Bears and Wynnum Manly, both 3-2 and close to an even points difference. Slightly in front are surprise packets of the Devils, also 3-2 with the second best points difference in the competition, and Tweed, 3-1-1, now having won and drawn as many games as the three previous campagins combined.
Burleigh and Wynnum are the most complete teams, but Norths and Tweed have proven to be spirited and like to play a quick, attacking style. At least one of these teams will miss out on a semi-final berth. None of the runs home are easy and everyone still has to play Mackay.
In the back group, the Magpies have started too slowly, have been too error prone and lacking the talent of last year’s side, to get from 1-4 to finals contention, even with Evania Pelite returning. Without the Southwells, it’s clear how thin the Capras roster is in 2024 - closer to 2023’s 1-6 side than 2022’s grand finalists - and winning out is unlikely to be enough, although it would set up a firmer basis for 2025. All of the Falcons’ best players are currently injured, with Hayley Maddick picking up a head knock on the weekend and joining Studdon, Gallagher and Wheeler on the sidelines, so that’s them done. The Tigers have shown a great deal more pluck and promise than I had anticipated but I think are still going to fall short on the talent gap. I am keen to see what they can do next year though.
How do you do this every week?
In many respects, we were lucky the Battle of/for/adjacent Brisbane was on the fixture list last weekend because if I had to sit through four games of what the Q4 served up this week, war crimes were going to be committed.
The Dolphins and Broncos hardly covered themselves in glory. Perhaps it is testament to the strength and spectacle of the new derby that both teams could complete at 67% and still leave the audience feeling entertained, even if no one at Suncorp or at home believed they’d witnessed high quality football. Jamayne Isaako’s solo try is obviously the exception that proves the principle.
I sat down for the Cowboys game expecting, at a minimum, an awe-inspiring display of attacking rugby league. Instead, we got 27-20 from an Eels side that was just coming off a pantsing and is missing by far their best player and a Cowboys side that completed at an even more dismal 66%. I am normally a pretty quiet sports fan at home but audibly swore when Chad threw the ball into Granville’s chest. Where was the cool stuff? I demand my time back, a demand I have made of the NRL many times and never once been re-gifted the two hours.
To finish the round, we had the platonic ideal of a 6.15pm Sunday game between the Raiders and Titans. Two small market teams. Kasey Badger with the whistle. Fox’s F team on comms that I would otherwise never have to endure. The Shein version of Payne Haas constantly giving away errors and penalties. A desperate attempt to get you to drown yourself in the Fox funnel of mediocre midweek content. It was all there.
Part of my process to watch NRL games for the newsletter is to get into the mindset of a fan1. I feel you’re more observant and, in my case, more critical of your own team than any other so, even if it is the Gold Coast’s NRL team, I do my best to be as checked-in as possible, or at least until the playing group gives up so I can do likewise.
The Titans turned in a much better 80 minutes, possibly even above NRL replacement level. It is unfortunate that the Tans got demolished by the Raiders’ forwards, to the tune of 58% possession, 661 extra metres and a shitload of expected points. It is fortunate Canberra had a real Penrith of a night with the ball (sans the ten minutes of Stephen Crichton god mode to finish it off) because no other NRL team is going to let the Titans get that close on the scoreboard when they were so far off on every other metric. At least they got plenty of reps in defending the line.
Two late tries - of course it was Khan-Pereira, how did you drop him Des, you muppet? - sucked me in. In fact, I got so sucked in that I fist pumped the second try and whooped at the conversion. Those Raiders bastards were going to pay.
We hit golden point. Brimson makes an all-time break into space, like he’s wound a few years off the clock. Then they bungled the field goal. Of course they did. They’re the goddamn Titans. Standing another five metres back to account for the defenders that are always offside in these moments would have been too much. The Raiders recollect and the boy from Beaudesert, the hero of Burleigh’s 2019 premiership, Jamal Fogarty, kicks the winning field goal.
This part was originally going to be titled, “Why did Hasler take the job?” but instead, it should be “Why did I pretend to be a Titans fan?” This life isn’t for me. Thanks but no thanks. 2019 through 2021 was enough.
Intermission
This was no try and still cool as hell.
Upcoming Slate
QRLM - Hunters vs Dolphins in Fort Moresby, Saturday 3.00pm
Coming off a round with three byes and an average margin of 22 points, it’s hard to gauge what matches will be particularly picante. In 2024, PNG are 2-2 but that’s two wins at home and two losses away, which gives you an indication of the home ground advantage the Hunters enjoy at the NFS. Redcliffe overhauled an in-form Pride on Saturday, coming back from 16-0 to win 30-22, and have been one of the top teams in the competition so far. That should put the Dolphins and Hunters on relatively level pegging, moreso if the NRL Dolphins keep back a stockpile of players from travelling to replace the already broken and in case anyone else decides to break a hip. Tip: Hunters
QRLW - Cutters vs Wynnum in Mackay, Saturday 3.45pm
This is only worth 3.5 stars but this is mostly because Mackay are so highly rated right now, it seems like a potential disparity in competitiveness. This will be banger of a contest and one of the first real tests for the Cutters. Having dispensed with the lower half of the competition, the run home starts with Wynnum, then Burleigh, Easts and Norths. No Manzelmann tips this one back in the Seagulls favour, although I’d feel better about it if Bent was there. Tip: Wynnum
NRLM - Sharks vs Cowboys at Shark Park, Sunday 4.05pm
I think this is the best option for the NRL games? The Dolphins in Darwin will be interesting, in a fixture Parramatta traditionally trip over the Queensland teams, but the Phins are light on warm bodies. I refuse to watch the Raiders play the Broncos as it gives me an aneurysm watching Canberra cheat. The Titans in the Des Bowl? This is the battle of the who was really a fraud in 2022, and it turned out the answer was more North Queensland than Cronulla in 2023. Both teams have started with four wins, so if the Cowboys find something this could be a compelling spectacle of razzle dazzle, otherwise we get a repeat of last week with more Nicho Hynes. Tip: Sharks
(Tips 11 / 19)
Watch Guide
I’ve added another column to the guide to highlight the Qplus feature games, which is worth one star by itself.
Weather - Darwin: 26 - 34 scattered thunderstorms (gross); Brisbane: Saturday 16 - 23 light rain, Sunday 17 - 23 light rain; Gold Coast 17 - 23 light rain; Sunshine Coast 18 - 23 light rain; Mackay 19 - 27 cloudy; Cairns 23 - 28 light rain; Port Moresby: 25 - 31 light thunderstorms and rain; Pootown 15 - 21 clear
Notes
Dolphins’ medicinal cannabis sponsorship under review for potential TGA breaches. Just legalise it, man.
Injuries: Hammer out for 4-6, Campbell out for 3+. My precious fullbacks, no! At least Trai Fuller gets another shot and we get an all-tim duel between Trbojevic and Phil Sami (?).
Broncos: Still apparently interested in Jack Gosewieski for reasons known only to Red Hill (they forgot to sign another second rower and refuse to just cut Paix loose).
On one hand, I find the Broncos referring to the Dolphins as Redcliffe to be petty in the funny kind of way. On the other, the amount of marketing energy spent on a team that's never beaten the Broncos in three attempts comes off as insecure. Aim up a little, chaps. Also
This was articulated on Boom Rookies last week but it was something I’d started to tweak to this year: it seems that The Bunker exists mostly to justify the on-field call. There’s no perversion to the judicial process this administration won’t consider. Meanwhile, an actual NRL referee said, and I quote, “he can't disappear” as an explanation for not penalizing a player lying around in the ruck. Embarrassing. When is Peter V'Landys going to personally intervene to fix this mess?
The North East Coast offence last week was one of those ones where I was 50/50 on scrapping the whole thing. Sometimes those are the ones people consider the most insightful, sometimes it comes across as waffle. Watching a bit of the rest of the NRL last weekend and it occurs to me that this might just be Vlandoball reaching its final form. The players have now been playing out of their skins for four years now and the gap between the fittest/fastest and replacement level has been stretched and that might explain why it seems like there’s so many long range tries these days.
Anti-siphoning: The government is going to hand more power to our moribund free-to-air networks. I realise I’m talking Fox’s book here, but this doesn’t strike me as the best outcome for consumers.
Deine Mariner manager speaks out on anti-tampering scandal that landed Dolphins $50,000 fine (skip the first four to six paras of Badel hype)
Forgot to include Kenny Edwards being released from the Cutters last week with a one-line statement. Mackay is not for everyone. Mahe Fonua seems to be doing OK though. He scored a double against the Clydesdales on the weekend.
Juniors: Dolphins defeat Blackhawks in Cyril Connell final. Cutters win the HNU19s over Tigers. City wins both men’s (boys?) and women’s (girls?) U17 City-Country clashes, flipping last year’s results.
XXXX Queensland City v Country to showcase community A grade talent. Now we know what’s replacing Colts on HPC grand final day. Philosophically, not sure if I love City-Country - Queensland is full of towns and cities, most of which have some country character and it’s not as sharp a dichotomy as in NSW - but that’s not really the point. Interesting to see if the QRL is going to build City-Country as a Thing or if its just a convenient way to set up higher quality rep games without having to cover costs for a third team.
In the same way that the Broncos beat up the Capras on Friday night - Lachlan Hubner's performance might put him in doubt for selection for the Central Queensland Barramundi - looks like the Devils smashed the Blackwater Crushers on Saturday to win the latest round of the Phins Up Cup. Is the Phins Up Cup more or less prestigious than the Tropical Triseries, the Battle around Brisbane2 or the Melbourne Cup?
The Belvedere Hotel in Woody Point serves Eumundi Brewing’s Dolphins Lager, complete with the NRL team’s logo on the tap handle. It’s fine to good, depending on your tastes, and how big a Phins degenerate you are.
True sickos will remember the Belvedere Hotel as the scene of Matt Lodge and Mark Robinson’s dispute, which the latter described as “two alpha males in a pub”. The pub has had a refurb since then and is pretty nice, although I personally prefer Scarborough Harbour Brewing Co if you’re willing to go another 10 minutes north for the beer. The Warriors returned to New Zealand at the end of 2022 and Matt Lodge joined the Roosters with $750k burning a hole in his pocket.
RL Writers: How the Rabbitohs and Titans turn it around
Devils: Gerome Burns feeling at home in a Norths jersey. Burns Bowl on April 27.
“All tip, no iceberg” is a Paul Keatingism, just for the record.
On a personal note, I have just taken over my boss’ job for the next four weeks (or more accurately, I’m doing both jobs) so I may be a little busier than usual. As a result, you may not get the full 4,000 words of derangement you’ve come to expect every week over the next month, although this has still run to just over 3,000.
Nickelware
With three of the six statewide comps over, and only two rounds left in the Mal Meninga regular season and four more weeks of BMD, soon only the QCup will be left to change the standings of the Pyramid Premiership.
Wide Bay Bulls will be banking on getting a win in the final week against Burleigh (currently 5th), otherwise it’s going to be a complete duck for 2024.
The most extreme example of this was the disappointment of the 2019 grand final and the Roosters’ blatant cheating. I vowed never to get quite that invested again in a game I was watching on TV. At the game is a different story.
Haven’t exactly worked out who is in this yet.